So I finally arrived at school after surviving the initial shock of my new alma mater looking like something from the Stone Age. 😭😂

I managed to ask more of the speaking-through-the-nose people where I could find the registration hall. I did my registration without any issues, and then I heard a rumbling sound coming from deep within…

MY STOMACH! 😭😭😭

Apparently, somebody was requesting its usual sacrifice.

I quickly glanced around to be sure I was the only one who had heard that. Because why de-steeze a babygirl like that, ehn, stomach? Must you embarrass me in public? 😭😂

I decided to go on a mission: find a sacrifice, aka FOOD!

In my head, I would come across plenty of food cafés like the ones in my alma mater back in Nigeria. I would be swimming in jollof rice, fried rice, plantain and all the delicious goodness my heart desired.

My people, I was already salivating in advance! 😋😂

Please, tell me why, after criss-crossing several old and proud buildings, I finally came across what was called the student hall.

I entered with pride, only for my eyes to land on something that nearly gave me high blood pressure.

My people, my heart began to pound with anger. I remembered my £21 SIM card and looked at these ones with the £1 price printed on their packaging as if they were personally mocking me.

And the shocker of all shockers?

As in, TOTALLY FREE!!! 😭😭😭

Apparently, the prices were what came printed on the packaging, but university students could collect the SIM cards for FREE! And guess what? You could take as many as you wanted!

Omo mehn! 😭😂

A whole £21 wasted on a SIM card that didn't even work, meanwhile, these people were practically giving SIM cards away like party souvenirs!

UK, so you had FREE SIM cards in abundance, and you allowed me to suffer like this? 😭😭😭 God dey!

I sighed in deep annoyance and grabbed about seven different SIM cards.

Ahhh!, we are going to test ALL of them, baby! 😉😂 One of you must surely answer my prayers!

Anyway, back to the food hunt.

I was expecting a full spread of mouth-watering, soul-lifting delicacies. You know, the kind of food that makes you forget your problems after the first bite.

And there, right before me, I saw…

JUICE & CO. 😭😭😭

MY PEOPLE!!! WHERE IS THE FOOD?! I MEAN THE REAL FOOD 😫

My precious jollof was nowhere to be found!

Mschewwww! Mschewwwwn't?! 😭😂

UK, you really love these strikes, don't you?

Flips hair dramatically and pulls out the red card. 🎴

STRIKE 11!!!

Arrant Nonsense! 😑😂

And to think that just that morning, while I was shivering like a tilapia fish out of water, I had already dealt with the culture shock of bathrooms and toilets having NO LOCKS! Imagine my whole nakedness about to be revealed to the world! Chai! 😭 Shivers in trepidation and GODFORBIDNESS! 😠😠😠

Now, after all that emotional and physical suffering, you want to serve me tea as if I'm a toothless fool? 😭😭😭

Only for me to discover that tea is to the Brits what water is to life!

Omo!

See ehn! At this point, I had to ask myself some serious questions pe.

KEMI DARLING, IS THIS A UNIVERSITY OR A TEA APPRECIATION SOCIETY?! ☕️😭😂

Because I came to Scotland to study, not to conduct a postgraduate investigation into the British people's relationship with tea!

My people, I could not take it anymore. I stormed out in annoyance and decided to ask one of my own people where I could find REAL FOOD.

The woman laughed at me first.

As in, she thoroughly enjoyed my suffering before deciding to offer any useful information! 😭😂

After she'd finished entertaining herself with my misery, she told me I could try the supermarkets around the university or go to KFC, as most of the food places around there typically served English food. I could also look for African restaurants nearby.

I HEARD KFC AND MY HEART LEAPT FOR JOY!!! 😭😂😍

Finally! I was about to make my ancestors proud after all!

In my head, I was already seeing it…

CORRECT CHICKEN AND JOLLOF RICE! 🍗🍚 😋 yummy!

My ancestors were about to receive their first official report from Scotland, and the report was going to be a delicious one! 😂😂😂

But first, let me try the African restaurant. After all, the woman said there was one nearby, and I'm sure I heard correctly.

With renewed hope, I set out, silently begging Google Maps to behave itself for once.

“Google, my friend, please. I beg you in the name of all that is holy, don't disgrace me again today. I've suffered enough!” 😭😂

And lo and behold, I FOUND IT!

The African restaurant was sitting there proudly, with a HUGE sign announcing its existence.

I approached with hope in my heart and hunger in my belly, only to discover that the sign had one tiny problem.

CLOSED.

😭😭😭😭😭

MY PEOPLE!!!

SECOND HEARTBREAK IN ONE DAY!

I sighed in disappointment and added a little hiss on top for emphasis.

Mschewwww! 😭😂

At this point, even my ancestors must have been wondering what exactly I did to deserve this treatment.

But then I remembered…

Hehehehe! All hope is not lost, my dearrrrr! 😂😂😂

I immediately re-energised myself and marched towards KFC, which was just a few feet away.

I entered happily, displaying all 32 of my teeth. 😁😁😁

Finally, my suffering was coming to an end!

I approached the menu with the confidence of someone who had already mentally eaten the food.

I looked left.

I looked right.

I looked again up and down.

NO RICE AT ALL!

Just chicken, more chicken, chips and burgers wearing different names and forming different departments. 😭😭😭😂

Chimoooo!

So even KFC had joined the conspiracy?!

Ah, it'szzzz well! 😭😂

I sha knew what chicken and chips was, so I wasn't about to let another food establishment break my spirit. I settled for chicken and chips and even bought myself a sundae.

At least, if Scotland was determined to frustrate my Nigerian taste buds, I would comfort myself with ice cream! 😭😂🍦

My people, I ate that food speedily and very happily, like a thief who had just broken into somebody's kitchen and heard footsteps approaching! 😂😂😂 i bet even the flash would be super proud of me 🫣

No time for pictures. No time for unnecessary contemplation. No time for Senrenren at all!

HUNGER HAD WON, AND CHICKEN AND CHIPS WAS THE PEACE TREATY! 🍗🍟😭😂

Sacrifice completed!

My stomach was satisfied, my sundae had disappeared, and my Nigerian spirit was temporarily at peace ✌️ 

But somewhere in the distance, my Nigerian spirit was still crying…

“If you see my jollof, tell am say I dey find am!” 😭😂🍚

UK, we're keeping score. STRIKE 11 has been recorded!

And this babygirl has barely started her Scottish adventure. 👀😂❤️

To be continued… 🇳🇬🇬🇧