So I finally got to Dundee after what seemed like many years after (like they say in the movies), and all I saw en route was endless greenery and no buildings. smh!
I would have suspected I was being kidnapped if not for the fact that there were other people on the bus, not even minding the fact that I entered the bus with my own two legs. 🙃😑
The bus driver dropped me somewhere and called it the city centre. I looked at it, and there was nothing that made it resemble the centre of a city. Mschewwwww, and guess what???
The bus driver dropped me somewhere and called it the city centre. I looked at it, and there was nothing that made it resemble the centre of a city. Mschewwwww, and guess what???
It was pitch dark everywhere, with just very old buildings surrounding me, and everything made me feel like I had been sent back to the Stone Age.
“Eskis, Sir!” I called the bus driver. “Are you sure we have reached? Abi you miss road ni? Cause where are those white buildings with the picket fences I see in the movies? Why is everywhere just cold, dark and brown?”
I was about to have a meltdown because I just remembered I’m somebody’s child too, and I could have been in Naija drinking suya and garri by this time. 😭😭😭
Angrily issued Strike 5 🎴 because I hate nonsense. 😒
Anyway, I had an immediate problem: how do I get all this luggage to my house?
I was already imagining how to deal with the peppered snail in my Ghana Must Go overnight. That’s why I was guarding that bag like my life depended on it... because, my dearrrrr, it does! Peppered snail is life. 🤪🤪🤪
Okay, let’s try mobile network. Maybe magically, my £21 SIM will work and this nightmare would just be a dream.
And the idiotic mobile network said, “Not today, my sister! Don’t even involve me. I have no idea what we are doing.” 😓
Jisossss!!!!
Thankfully, I had a friend with me. But unfortunately, we were going different ways.
She said her friend, who she was staying with, had advised her to call a cab, and off she went. 😫😫
Finally, it was just me, my boxes and my God in a strange man’s land, which looked ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like what I had imagined, nor anything that HOLLYWOOD had shown me. 🤕🤕
After deeply feeling sorry for myself, I thoroughly touched my head to be sure my brain was still very much intact and I was indeed still mentally alright, because I genuinely began to doubt myself. 🙄🙄🙄
And then there was the cold.
That one was about to totally finish the work it started, despite me wearing what I thought was a winter jacket.
At least, with the way that guy in Yaba Market hyped it to me, he told me it would get me through the coldest of winters and absolutely nada would penetrate through! According to him, na very SOLID DEAL i dey give you madam.
After deeply feeling sorry for myself, I thoroughly touched my head to be sure my brain was still very much intact and I was indeed still mentally alright, because I genuinely began to doubt myself. 🙄🙄🙄
And then there was the cold.
That one was about to totally finish the work it started, despite me wearing what I thought was a winter jacket.
At least, with the way that guy in Yaba Market hyped it to me, he told me it would get me through the coldest of winters and absolutely nada would penetrate through! According to him, na very SOLID DEAL i dey give you madam.
Oga Yakubu, you lied, Sir.
This was Day 1 and I was already shivering like those cele people when in a trance 😧😧😧
It got to a point, I asked myself, “Are you still sane, Kemi? Because what are you doing here?? Shey na wetin we plan be this? Cause e no look am oh!”
Anyway, there I was, still in the cold, and I said, “Oh, I will just call Uber.”
Lest I forget, before my friend left, she decided to share her Hotspot with me, since that useless SIM had decided to live up to its name.
Arrant nonsense!!!!
I opened my Uber app and it said, “No network.”
Ogini kwa!😕😕😕
But Mr Uber, this Hotspot is hotspotting! Whaddaya mean no network???
Sir Uber responded: I mean, Madam, “Basically, we do not work here! I mean here in Dundee!”
Could this be Culture Shock 2 or is it 3?
Anyway, take Strike 6 🎴, UK, my friend!
I’m like, “Hello?! I’m coming from somewhere which a lot of una people call a jungle, with lions walking majestically in the street. 😪😪😪 And WE HAVE UBER! We have Bolt, we have inDrive, I could go on! In fact, ehn!”
Beating my chest in anger, “It works very well! It goes everywhere, even to actual villages. Yimu!”
So tell me why I’m in the UK and Uber said, “No, I do not work here.” 😳😳
I was indeed overgasted and flabberwhelmed! 😐
At this point, another evil thought crept into my brain.
“Abi this plane took a detour and decided to drop me somewhere else ni?” at this rate, anything is possible right?????
I started doing a lot of calculations in my head, thinking I had probably missed something, cause this maths is not mathing at all!
At this point, another evil thought crept into my brain.
“Abi this plane took a detour and decided to drop me somewhere else ni?” at this rate, anything is possible right?????
I started doing a lot of calculations in my head, thinking I had probably missed something, cause this maths is not mathing at all!
So I kuku concluded, maybe, “I boarded the wrong plane, or I entered the wrong city.”
Long story short — no Uber.
I looked at my luggage, looked at myself, looked at the people there, and I was like:
“Okay, how do I get home? What’s option number 2? Because at this rate, the longer I stay here, all they would have of me the next day would be my Crocs, which did nothing to protect my feet from the cold, by the way...”
As in, I was just unprepared! And I feel so maltreated 🤧🤧🤧 a whole Lekki Babe 🫣
But then I remembered, at least back in Nigeria, when there is no Uber, we have the danfo, we have the taxi. Something must sha dey.
So hopefully, even if you have no Uber, please tell me you guys have a taxi.
I decided maybe I should ask my “talking-through-the-nose” friends where I could get a cab.
But then, shoooot! The bus driver!
He was still there.
“Oga, sir, please, where can I get a cab?”
“You can go here, go here, go here, go here.”
He was speaking through his nose as usual.
But trust me, I heard nothing.
Could it be my cochlear implant playing tricks on me, or all the English I thought I spoke was fake?
Deep sigh!!! Let’s just say Oga was no help.
And to be honest, I think I’d had enough of him, and he probably already had enough of me too.
Anyway, I spoke to others, and they gesticulated and pointed far off and said I should walk and I would see the taxis where they park.
I walked around.
Eventually, I found them, lined up like secondary students having morning assembly.
“Hello, sir. I’m going to this address,” I said, showing the first cab man the address of where I planned to stay.
Oga said, “Fifty pounds.”
Fifty kini!!!!
I shouted incredulously and without shame. 😪😪😪
“You mean 50 naira and not 100k?” as I did a quick pounds-to-naira conversion in my head.
“When it’s not like I’m going to London!” 😧
I now remembered, ohhhh! I’m a rich woman. 🥹🥹🥹 and RICH WOMEN DO NOT SHOUT MEHN!!!😑 so paying fifty pounds wasn’t supposed to be a problem. Right!. 🫣🫣🫣
But my people... 😭😭😭here is the thing!
IT IS A PROBLEM!!! A BIG PROBLEM SEF!
How would I face my ancestors and tell them I spent 100k just for just a short drive?
A whole Ijebu geh! 😮💨😮💨😮💨 omo Kajero!
I entered the cab las las cause who pride or maths help? Sighhhh!
Now! Tell me why the cab trip was just eight minutes pere! and it cost fifty pounds!
Hello?!
Did you just scam me on my first day?
A whole Lagos chic like me?
I LAUGHED MANIACALLY with deep pain 😂
There you go, UK. Just enjoy your Strike 7 🎴.
At least! I got home in one piece!
You think that was it???
Sorry, no mai dearrrrrrr!
It’s just about to go downhill! It gets worse 😮💨😮💨😮💨
I will be back. 😅😅😅
Catch ya soon!
2 comments
Can't wait to read the next episodes omo UK just dey strike u any ow .I can't wait to read the parts where na u go begin strike .lol
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