So my people, na so I arrived at the house around 10pm at night. The whole area looked so ghost-like and deserted, a very far cry from the hustle and bustle Hollywood typically shows.

At this point ehn! I’m beginning to think I need to sue Hollywood. Because how dare you lie to me and sell me pipe dreams? 😭😂 Arrant nonsense! 🙄 Mschewwwww!

I digress jare.

I got home and expected the cab man, after collecting a whole £50 from me which still gives me heart palpitations, by the way to at least get down from the car, carry my loads inside and maybe even salute me on his way off.

For where? 😂

Oga opened the boot, carried my loads to the ground and zoomed off.

He even said, “Thank you.”

Oga sir, whatcha thanking me for? 😭

Loads you no carry. Money na very grudgingly I paid. My safety sef no concern you!

 
Please keep your “thank you”, to yourself  Sir. 🙄😂

This day has stressed me like I have never been stressed before in my life except when I was in labour and gave birth to my first son, who angrily screamed his displeasure at being evicted. 🤪

At least that one had a legitimate reason to complain. 😂

UK, oya take your STRIKE 8 🎴. And this is only Day 1!

Thankfully, my friend was still awake and she assisted me with getting my loads inside.

Now, shocker of all shockers! 😲

We entered what looked like my whole sitting room in Nigeria, only to discover that this was actually a one-bedroom flat with a tiny slice of kitchen and toilet attached. 😂

I looked around in shock.

“You mean this is the whole house??? Or is there another part hiding somewhere?” 😲

My friend burst out laughing and told me, “That’s how houses are in the UK o!”

😳

Okay o. At least if the house is small, surely small should mean cosy, abi?

So why was I still shivering inside like a rabid dog???

Excuseeee me, dear! I am inside the house, am I not?! So kilon happen?? 😭

My friend started laughing even harder and said she was going to put on the heater before I froze to death.

At this point, I was already hearing my ancestors calling me. 📞😒

“Come back home, Kemi. We warned you.” 😂😂

Safe to say, my precious snail was completely untouched that night.

I had no interest in food anymore. All I wanted was to slide under that duvet and find some warmth, especially since my baldie husband was over one million miles away! 🙄

That night, I slept fitfully and woke up the next morning sneezing and coughing. 🤕🤧

I felt like I had slept inside a refrigerator with the door slightly open.

UK, just take your STRIKE 9!!!! 😡😡😡

How dare you ruin my fine face in ONE NIGHT?!

My face was swollen, my eyes were red and my hair was standing up in spikes like it had personally joined the protest. 😭😂

I looked like somebody who had travelled overnight and arrived at her destination with zero dignity remaining.

Strike 9 🎴.

UK. And I was only just getting started. 😒

Now I needed to find my way to school, because I finally remembered why I had come to the UK in the first place. 😂

At this point, I had almost forgotten my mission completely because I had suffered like no man's business in just ONE DAY.

Oya friend, how do I get to school?

She said, “Use Google Maps.”

I looked at her like, “Daz all???” 😒

Who no sabi Google Maps? Something I had been using to drive around Nigeria for 14 years!

Easy peasy. 👌

Tell me why I opened Google Maps and this thing confidently led me straight into a wall. 🤬🤬

A WALL!

Oga Google, abeg. 😭

I walked back and forth in the same direction THREE TIMES.

At this point I was beginning to wonder if Google Maps had suddenly lost its professional licence.

Oga Google, you are educated, aren't you? So why are you leading me around like you are blind?

Mscheewww!

Mscheewwwn't it? 🙄

Eventually, I spotted one oyinbo woman walking very fast ahead of me, as if somebody was chasing her.

I thought, “This one must know where she is going.”

So I tried to catch up.

My people, this woman’s legs were on jet mode. 🚀

I walked faster.

She walked faster.

I walked even faster.

At some point, I had no choice but to start running after her.

“Excuse me! Excuse me!”

The poor woman turned around in absolute terror. 😳

She looked genuinely horrified that a complete stranger was chasing her down the street.

Then she gave me that nervous little laugh people give when they are trying to figure out whether they are in danger. 😂

And honestly?

I looked down at myself and understood her immediately.

My people, I was wearing three tops, a jacket, gloves and a hat.

I looked like somebody who had fallen from space and landed in Dundee. 👽😂

But oyinbo being oyinbo, this woman decided to be brave.

She asked how she could help.

I told her where I was going and she said, “Just follow me.”

Follow you?

Madam, I was ready to follow you to the ends of the earth! 😭

I flew after her like my life depended on it.

Because at this point, my life actually depended on it. 😂

Then she said the magic words:

“It’s just round the corner.”

Ahhh.

My people.

Round the corner was THIRTY MINUTES away. 😭😭😭

At this point, I had learnt one important British lesson:

When a British person says “it’s just round the corner”, do not get excited.

Just keep walking. 😂

Finally, I saw it.

University of Dundee.

And old boy, was I shocked!

Because in my head, I had been imagining some magnificent, grand university building — something befitting the huge adventure I had just travelled thousands of miles for.

Something like my alma mater, FABULOUS UNAAB. 😌

But no o.

There stood the University of Dundee.

Very brown.

Very old.

Very... proud.

It was standing there looking like Queen Elizabeth herself had personally commissioned the building and told everybody to mind their business. 😂

I stood there looking at it like...

“This is it?” 😳

After all the application stress?

After leaving Nigeria?

After travelling all the way to Scotland?

After Google Maps tried to kill me?

After chasing an innocent oyinbo woman down the street?

THIS is my university? 😭😂

My people, my heart was already on life support.

UK...

Please.

Just open your hand and collect your STRIKE 10! 🎴😡

Because at this point, I was no longer sure whether I had come to study in Scotland...

or whether Scotland had personally invited me here to humble me. 😭😂