Letter to Mr Rain from a Human who misses you, lol!

By Kemi Mobuse - Wednesday, March 30, 2016

From the Office of the Head of Service
Federal Civil Service Commission
Federal Secretariat
Zone A
Dear Mr. R. R. Rain,

I am directed to inform you that we have officially entered the Rainy Season in the Federal Republic of Nigeria and therefore, you are expected to perform your duties according to your terms of reference.
Please note that in view of the New Banking Policy for all Government Agencies known as:-
T = (my Oga did not tell me the full meaning of this one)
S = Single
A = Account,
there are now significant changes to your remuneration pattern. The new payment structure is as follows:-
1. You will only be paid for services actually rendered. (Only history was cancelled from our school curriculum not Geography.) So pupils and students in every State of the Federation have been mandated to measure every drop of rainfall in their towns villages and hamlets, and to report the same to this office and your payment will be calculated parripasu to their findings.
2. You will only be allowed to collect your salary in one account using your BVN as all other accounts opened by you in the Name of your Ancestors from Noah's days have been cancelled since no bio data was available for them.
3. Days of heavy thunder and lightening without actual rainfall will be marked as nil for you in view of 1 above.
4. Please note that despite the fact that the UK and US Governments have officially declared that they are in now in Spring, the Sun has refused to Cross over into the Northern Hemisphere, thus causing confusion there with the result that the UK experienced 4 different weather patterns in one day according to our Foreign Office Correspondence, Ms Amanda Meshida. This is putting our diplomatic relationships with these Countries in extreme jeopardy. I am therefore directed to inform you that you are requested to Discontinue your casual leave and return to your duty post forthwith! You are also required to desist further communication with The Sun to enable her resume at her new duty post.
5. Due to the new Foreign Exchange Policy, please note that this office will no longer pay you Estacode when you render service in the Lake Chad Basin and Bakassi Penninsular. The Governments of the Countries in which those territories lie will now be responsible for your remuneration.
6. Finally all overtime fees have been cancelled. Please note that if you exceed the required volume of rainfall as stated in your terms of service, you will NOT be compensated. (Please note that the long blue lines on the map from Lokoja are the Rivers Niger and Benue. You can supply rainfall in large quantities there. The short grey lines are roads and those boxes on them are cars not boats. So don't fall excessively like you did a few years back that people were picking up their property in their neighbors backyards, oh.)
Yours Faithfully
Monalisa Abimbola Azeh O.L.W

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